How To Kill That Self-Destructive Monster Called Jealousy

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Les came to me a few months ago, fearful thatanger, hurt or even just plain thoughtlessness.
his wife was having an affair. They'd been havingBoth situations create communication "black-holes"
problems, and she was spending more and morewhich are then easily filled with fill fear, fury and
time out of the house, apparently out with friends.fantasy.
Les didn't believe her for a second, and spent theCommunication vacuums open up room for tons
time stewing at home, dialing her cell number, andof tough questions from the jealous guy. "Has she
on more than one occasion, cruising around to seefound someone she likes better than me?" "Is she
if he could see her out and about.cheating on me?" "Is she going to leave me?"
As soon as she came home, she'd be given a"Has she found someone richer, younger, funnier?"
relentless grilling, and over time she shut himWhen you're jealous you assume the worst:
down entirely. Communication dried up, and the"Maybe she'll fall in love with her personal trainer
relationship was, it appeared, all but over.and leave me."
He looked dreadful: tried, overwrought and"She's going to lunch with her boss because she's
overweight. His skin was bad, his breath washaving an affair with him."
nasty, and he displayed all the classic signs of a"She's not answering the phone because she's in
guy who was being eaten up, from the inside out.bed with some guy in a motel!" You know how
And of course all this desperation and jealousythat one goes? I bet you felt pretty stupid too,
was not only making him sad and sick, it waswhen she came in from the supermarket carrying
driving her further and further away too! His lackloads of groceries, but even as you unpacked
of trust in her was not only deeply insulting butthose groceries I bet you were still looking for
was eroding anything good they'd ever had.clues that she'd been cheating!
Now Les desperately wanted to get out of thisWow. We sure make life tough for ourselves
horrible mess, and was willing to work with me tosometimes.
completely change his perspective and behaviors.So how do you handle these awful feelings of
I can guarantee that letting your jealousy show isjealousy? How do you deal with a spouse or
a fail-safe way to lose your dignity, dismantleboyfriend/girlfriend who is jealous?
your self-esteem and frankly, ruin your life!First if you are jealous, you need to communicate.
Nothing will ruin a relationship or marriage fasterYou need to stop assuming the worst and ask
than jealously. It creates anxiety, anger, loneliness,questions. Open up the lines again. Don't be
hate and fear. No one thinks clearly when they'reaggressive, defensive, confrontation or prickly.
jealous.Second, and just as important, you have to stop
Having a relationship with a jealous person is nolooking thirsty for reassurance. How on earth can
fun either. Jealousy makes the personshe respect you, if you don't respect yourself
unattractive, even transforming them from loverenough to control your fears and paranoia?
and supporter, to enemy.Thirdly, you have to remind yourself why you are
No one wants a jealous partner and no one likestogether in the first place, and understand that a
being jealous. So how come so many people are?relationship is only worth keeping alive if you CAN
In my experience there are a number of reasons,trust each other. If that trust is lost forever, then
but the primary cause is a breakdown inmaybe it's time to move on.
communications, and this usually happens for oneRemember, jealousy is demeaning and humiliation.
of two reasons:It is a sign of weakness and fear. In the end the
Something has changed, and for some reasonfastest way to kill the monster has nothing to do
you don't feel able to communicate openly andwith your partner, and everything to do with you.
honestly anymore...When you have great self-esteem, jealousy has
Or perhaps one or both partners are manipulatingno choice but to pack it's bags, and leave town!